Just in time for the holidays, I present to you the traditional cliché of what to do with all of the fruitcake that you no doubt have lying about your place of residence. Especially if you're a recently minted on-your-owner, it gives the whole family a target with which to jettison their own fruitcakes they were afraid they were going to take to the grave with them.
Industrial uses for fruitcake.
  1. Hammer, or other arbitrary tool of bashing.
  2. Fire starter
  3. Projectile weapon
  4. Relative deterrant
  5. Bookends
  6. Cattle feed
  7. Propping up the low end of the sofa
  8. Wheel chocks
  9. Bulletproof vest
  10. Parking bumper
  11. Something for Brett Favre to throw after his football career is over
  12. Diamond engraver
  13. X-ray shield (feels like a TSA joke belongs here)
  14. Pillow, for houseguests you don't particularly care for
  15. Replacement car bumper
  16. Clay pigeon
  17. Fire suit
  18. Packing material
  19. Yule log substitute
  20. Cutlery block
  21. Pincushion
  22. Space shuttle tile
  23. Something to stuff your bra with
  24. Officially licensed dead weight
  25. Something to put in a round hole (y'know, because most fruitcakes are square)
  26. Nutcracker
  27. Iron casting mold
  28. Elevator counterweight
  29. Catalyst. You don't really know if it's helping the reaction along, but you're certain that the elements which make up fruitcake are immutable.
  30. Leak stopper
  31. Heart stopper
  32. Cannonball, in case you have any spare cannons lying around
  33. Emergency spare tire
  34. Hemorrhoid donut
  35. Other assorted military applications
  36. Christmas tree stand
  37. Mouthguard (although that's awfully close to eating it)
  38. Decorative paver
  39. Chew toy for the dog
  40. Scratching post for the cat
  41. Grind it up and seed clouds with it
  42. Headstone
  43. Anti-fertilizer: sprinkle it on your garden and nothing will ever grow there again.
  44. Weight for the back end of your pickup truck
  45. Earth ground
  46. Sanding block
  47. Hood ornament
  48. Newel post
  49. Hockey puck (I imagine you'll go through a lot of sticks that way)
  50. Railroad tie
Some contestants may receive...
a fruitcake and another fruitcake. It's all we've got folks. Sorry.
"I've about reached my limit of writing about fruitcake."
-T. Zmina